The infamous feeling of Nostalgia…

Despite the fact that I am a very emotional and impulsive person, I never thought to be attacked by the notorious nostalgia while living abroad. I always wanted to leave Moscow, to move to another country, where no one knew my name, where no one spoke Russian, where the atmosphere and the weather could be significantly different from that to which I was used to. I have always loved Moscow, but didn’t feel that I belong to this city. To me it seemed too big, harsh and cold. Or rather I would address it towards people. I was uncomfortable with them: with crowds of angry managers and old grumpy women in the subway, cold neighbors or men and women with serious faces, strained by the constant stress of the big city.

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I’ve never been a lonely person, no. I’ve always had a lot of friends and constant love relations. I was a pretty popular girl in the class, though I changed a couple of schools. The problems started during adolescence, when a close family member was seriously ill, and the illness had been lasting for many years. After that I witnessed the loss, followed by many more losses in future… It is always difficult to cope with such circumstances being in the transition to adulthood. But I continued going to school, then to university and work, trying to forget about all that upsets me. However, it strongly influenced my relations with Moscow. All my life’s troubles, I unconsciously tied to the city, because its streets, houses, apartments were giving me the association with the pain that I had to go through. I wanted to run, to fly away and disappear, that I practically ceased to go outside of my area. That’s where my “comfort zone” loomed. I had enough strength and courage to finish strongly tightened, but already outdated love relations, but the attachment to this person and the habit chased me everywhere, leaving sleepless at nights. And only uncounted hours of work have helped me to muffle the disturbing thoughts, to get distracted and to feel myself in another dimension.

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Then I met HIM. He turned the whole world upside down, drove me insane, and showed me what it was like to be next to the real man. Even on distance, his love and care helped me to feel that the future would be much nicer and brighter than the past. One year of distant relations with video calls, rare but the happiest meetings was quite a love test for both of us. And here we are together every day, every moment and breath. He’s my husband, my support and protection. He is so easy going, so smart and fun. And how handsome his appearance is! I thank him for all that he did with my heart and soul. We live far from Moscow, in a crazy small country, which is barely visible on the world map. From our window we daily enjoy the blue sea, spreading on the horizon and green cedar mountains on the right of it.

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This country might seem so strange to every European, as it has no rules, no order; it is full of garbage, noises and a continuously “unstable situation on the boarders”. But it warmed my soul, helped me to break free from fears and a string of memories. Nothing here reminds me of my past pain. I feel like I was born again and now learning how to live in a new guise. Sometimes, by inertia, the anxiety and fear try to beat me in the battle with my inner me, but I always remind myself that I’m a fighter, I can survive and win!

An infinitely important to me person lives in Moscow, and I also have serious problems unsolved there. It constantly pulls me back and makes me leave a piece of my heart in the big city. At night, my subconscious demons put me on the plane to Moscow, and I am back there in my apartment, surrounded by all those who are already gone. How strange, what’s going on in the human’s head on an unconscious level?

I was transported to the vastness of my motherland tonight. It was a rainy and slush autumn day, and I walked through the streets of Moscow madly enjoying what I always disliked. How beautiful Moscow is, its churches, old mansions and tall spires of Stalin’s buildings. And how dazzling Kremlin is! I have been studying in university for 5 years right next to the Kremlin walls and never even conceived it. My heart started to beat faster from the surging emotions!

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I woke up in the night and realized that this is the notorious nostalgia. The feeling that sooner or later comes to each whoever left his hometown. It does not matter whether the person loved this city or not, but it will always be so dear and close to his heart. In his city the person recognizes every street, every corner and every stone. It remained fragments of childhood and adolescence, first love, first disappointment. It will always be special, even though one day he was so anxious to get away from it. No need to worry about this feeling or get stressed, the fact must be easy to accept. And to continue the life which fate brought him to. Because nobody can live in the past forever, human’s essence always strives forward to a new stage, new experiences and unexpected turns.

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